Thanksgiving for Non-Traditionalists

Thanksgiving, according to legend, is a time for friends and family to join together in convivial harmony, doing things like hugging and saying grace around a polished mahogany table moaning under the weight of a glimmering, 200-pound turkey surrounded by heaps of artery-clogging sides. Everyone is wearing his finest sweater, and no one is drunk. 

That's the idea, anyway. In practice, Thanksgiving tends to be a little less Rockwell and little more well, this: Jovial laughter gives way to a heated argument over Obamacare, followed by fork-throwing. Your Great Aunt Mae asks if this is the year you're finally getting married, before attempting to set you up with your cousin. In a welcome act of deus ex machina, the turkey catches fire. 

These are just a few reasons why a person might opt out of celebrating a "traditional" Thanksgiving, and justifiably so. A mid-week day off comes only so often, so why waste it? Here are some alternatives:

• Volunteer. For Sandy victims, or anyone else who needs a hand this year. 

• Brave the crowds and check out the one and only Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade, before the dastardly helium shortage kills it for good. 

• See that pile of laundry? Now's the time.

• See that pile of overdue bills? Now's the time.

• Watch football, in your bathrobe, cradling your most precious bottle of whiskey/malt liquor. 
• See if you can't get away with filling up your odd-numbered car on an even day. YOU ROGUE, YOU. Seriously, gas rationing is still technically going on.

Got another plan? We're not here to judge, but we do want to know what you're doing. If you're not brining a giant bird with loved ones (who you may or may not secretly hate) how will you be spending Turkey Day? Tell us in the comments.